Today comes quickly after yesterday's news. Some mornings are easier than others. This was not one of those mornings. I called a friend, and she held my hand from 800 miles away. I spoke to her of ideas and plans that I am making to not become a victim of my nose. I get stuck on the fact that this is permanent. Permanent. I will never be able to regain a complete sense of smell. My favorite foods will remain a tad dull. These things are not devestating; they are just sad to me. I have a tendency to dwell on the negative right now. This needs to change. I need to change.

Though it is this challenge I have chosen to focus on; it is not the lone health issue that I am facing. From my ENT's (ear nose and throat doctor) mouth these words were spoken, "I don't know why you are here worrying about your nose, when you should be worrying about your heart." He continued, "Your nose is not the real concern here, it is your heart."

It is hard to write about one's own shortcomings in a public forum. In a world where people strive to appear perfect, I am yelling that I am not. I am constantly catching myself apologizing for my imperfections, for my humanity. Silly, this not taking care of myself thing. Even now I down play the seriousness. Even now, when it is just I and this keyboard do I minimize my importance. Though this may seem irrelevant I am begging to differ. In today's conventional medicine, great measures are taken to seperate mind from physical health. I am not in control of my body's illnesses. I am to believe these illnesses will manifest themselves no matter what I think or believe; no matter how much negative energy I put into myself, there would be no difference if they instead were positive affirmations I was whispering to my psyche. Why is this the standard?

I am looking for answers. I am also working on not being as apologetic for my existence. I think it is time to cut myself a little slack.

Goodnight